Whiplash: Let it Kill You

Today I started reading the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson again. Not the first time, not the second, and not the third time I tried reading the book, cause I lost count along the way. Then it got me thinking; I have never read the book beyond the Charles Bukowski story. As Manson puts it, Bukowski was a loser. Always a loser. His life revolved around alcohol, poetry, prostitutes, poetry, gambling, poetry, anything else and back to poetry. He had made peace with himself that he would never amount to anything after his writings were rejected by most magazines, journals, newspapers,….name them. For decades, he faced rejection, but that never stopped him from being the writer he wanted to be.

Bukowski’s story takes me to one of his quotes that I can confidently say is my favorite: “Find what you love and let it kill you.” At the age of 49, after a lifetime of living in hell, Bukowski was still a writer. In a letter replying to Black Sparrow Press publisher John Martin, he said that “I have one of two choices – stay in the post office and go crazy … or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve.” He quit his job at a post office and dedicated his life to what mattered most to him; writing. As he said, Find what you love and let it kill you. Bukowski chose writing and left behind a legacy of a great writer.

“My Dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.” Charles Bukowski. 

Today I will tell you Andrew Niemann’s story from the Whiplash 2014 film. Written and directed by Damien Chazelle, this psychological drama film focuses on the life of a determined jazz drummer Andrew Niemann (Miles Teller). When I first watched Whiplash, the only thing in my mind was, “Find what you love and let it kill you.” The road to greatness starts with a single step. Niemann’s journey to becoming the best jazz drummer began when he was admitted to the best music school in the United States, the Shaffer Conservatory of Music. You know you are almost achieving your music career when you are under the wings of Terence Fletcher as your tutor. And Niemann was not only his student but was invited to join his mighty studio band. Such a big deal.

In his song The Nights intro, Avicii says, “When I was 16 my father said you could do anything you want with your life. You just have to be willing to work hard to get it. That’s when I decided, when I die, I wanna be remembered for the life I lived, Not the money I made.” Andy wants to leave a legacy behind. He doesn’t hesitate to say how he’d rather die young, drunk and broke and have people talk about him at the dinner table. Rather than making it to an old age rich and sober, and when you die, your people will talk about you for a while. And then, you will be forever be forgotten. The truth is, I will always remember Avicii for as long as I live. I hope the world will remember Andrew Niemann.

Let’s talk about Terence Fletcher (J.K. Simmons). Mr. Fletcher inflicted fear on his student. His teaching methods involved vulgar language, not to forget about hitting you with anything he thought could get back you on track. For someone who cries anytime I think you’re gonna yell at me, I would have called it quits on day one. I just can’t. I am babygal. Sean Casey, one of Fletcher’s students, couldn’t take it anymore and hanged himself. The emotional torture was just on another level. His class was not for the faint-hearted.

Andy prioritized his jazz career over his relationship with Nicole (Melissa Benoist). I can only imagine her listening to him say he could only think about drumming even when she was around. I mean, tell me I deserve a better man without telling me I deserve a better man. Anyway, Andrew could only let one thing kill him, and that one thing was not his relationship with Nicole. He endured Fletcher to be better at Jazz drumming. On his way to a jazz competition, Andrew is greeted by Satan. First, the bus he took to the competition broke down, he forgets his drumsticks after renting a car, he arrives at the competition late and goes back for the drumsticks, his car is hit by a truck, but that does not stop him from making it to the competition. He let what he loved to kill him.

I will tell you how the movie ends. Andrew is drumming. He’s obsessed and possessed at the same time. He drums without stopping. He is sweating, yet he keeps drumming. His hands are bleeding, but the concoction of his sweat and blood still won’t stop him. He drums until his body can’t drum anymore. If he dies, he dies as long as jazz drumming kills him. He drums as if tomorrow will never come.

It's my time, It's my life, I can do what I like
For the price of a smile,
I got a ticket to ride,
So I keep living, 'cause it feels right
And it's so nice,
And I'd do it all again
This time, it's forever
It gets better, and I, I, I like how it feels
I like how it Feels~Enrique Igleasis

Question is, have you found what you Love?

PS; You better watch that movie. And get yourself a Mike who recommends and discusses such great films. 

How to get over your crush

If not all, most of us have had someone we had strong feelings for. In this situation, you only want to breathe the air they exhale, thinking about them leaves you with goosebumps. When you see them across the street, butterflies fill up your stomach. You start imagining your life together, and that happy ever after nonsense. Have you ever tried naming your future kids with a crush? Or imagined your ideal dream house together? Well, I have. And writing letters to him in my notebook every single day. And their kisses? Damn the thought of our lips brushing feels like a taste of heaven. What I mean is, having a crush on someone is a nice feeling. This goddamn good feeling turns into a nightmare when you are rejected or this crush dates someone else. Sometimes, this is equivalent to heartbreak from a long-time partner. After being asked by my friends how to get over a crush, below are the guidelines I could think of at 3 am. Some have worked for me in the past. 

1. Admit your feelings to them

Well, admitting you have feelings for someone is the hardest part, especially if you are afraid of rejection. Some people also cannot lower their ego to say “I have a crush on you”. And girls? It is beyond impossible to say you like a guy. If the feelings are mutual, it could be the beginning of an amazing relationship. If they turn it down, it’s not the end of the world. Dust yourself off and move on with life. The problem with this tactic is they might take advantage of your vulnerability. But life is too short, take the risk. I usually do this after a glass of wine, mostly via texts. My ex-crush ignored the part I said to him I had feelings and here we are, moving on after we forgot he exists. So, try it.

2.Talk about it

We can’t hide how much we like someone from our friends. All we wanna talk about is how this person makes my heart go kookoo. Trust me it feels nice talking about them. You just wanna talk and never stop, as long as the person in question is the main topic of discussion. This applies to when you want to get over them; talk to someone about it. The more you talk about it the faster it fades away. It has worked for me. 

3.Don’t contact or meet them

Forgetting about your crush is not easy, especially if you meet regularly or are in contact with each other. Every time their text pops up or you pass them in the hallway, the spark is ignited. The most interesting part about having a crush is you anticipate their texts even when the two of you don’t talk. Seeing their name on your screen is heavenly. You think you will get over them if their texts keep coming? No. Avoid contacting them or meeting them for a long time to allow the feelings to go away. Oh, forgot to say don’t stalk them on social media. And do away with anything that reminds you of them, like songs, perfume, favorite restaurant. Anything.

4.Get yourself busy

Don’t let these feelings consume you. Most of the crush feelings don’t last for long. Go out on a solo date, hit the road for that adventure, do what you love most to increase self-love and boost your confidence. Get your priorities right and you will realize thinking about your crush is a waste of time. When your mind is occupied, you are left with zero seconds to think about the vacation at Santorini with your crush. 

5.Never engage in sexual activities with them

I say NEVER EVER get sexual with your crush. I am talking mostly to demisexuals. A friend told me he was gonna sleep with a girl who likes him so she could get over it. By doing so, you are fulfilling one of her fantasies; feeling your touch, a feeling that can get you to the moon and never back. Sexual relations tend to form bonds that are not Van der Waal bonds. Unbreakable ones. You will get away with the magical episode etched in your mind. If you really wanna get over your crush, don’t even try holding hands with them. 

This tip away, I just wanna cuddle with my crush. Oh, I just remembered he doesn’t exist and I don’t have Zayn Malik’s number. 

6.Look for their weaknesses. 

This might be petty but as long as it works, why not. We all have our flaws and we choose to live with our partner’s imperfections. No one is perfect. If we can’t keep up with the flaws, we let go of people, including our friends. Same case with your crush. To get over them, identify the toxic traits that turn you off and focus on them. Nobody wants poor-quality products. I do this a lot by the way; in fact all times. He goes from “If I had a type it would be you” (Tonight-Enrique Iglesias) to he’s not my type. 

7.Meet new people

When I was young, my grandma and I would move from one supermarket to another just to find the one that sold maize flour at Kes 2 less. At the end of the day, we would visit 5 supermarkets before settling. Lemme tell you, this crush is not the only fish in the sea. Go out and meet people. You might find someone else who is eager to set the world on fire with you. Just don’t sit waiting for your crush to come and say they love you. It’s never gonna happen. Though I will be in bed waiting for mine to show up. But don’t follow my example. You will miss opportunities.

And by the way, is that crush even worth it? Don’t forget you also don’t like everyone who likes you. So relax. 

Anyway, Call me Dr. LOVE. 

What is love

What is love
Cause some of us know love as bitter
Because that is what love was to us growing up
Love was the beatings we got for nothing
Love was the daily yelling that we didn’t deserve
You grow up and the cycle continues
Love is giving without receiving
Love is caring for others, yet you don’t have a guardian angel
Once you get used to the cruel love kind, you never want the soft, kind, sweet love
Love is when you love them, and they dont love you back
Love is when they give you 100 reasons to leave, and you translate it to 1000 reasons to stay

Love is when they hurt you, and you smile back

Love is when you know you are not wanted, but stay hoping things will change
Love is all the bad things they do to you
He told me I deserved better, but he was the best i could think of
He was all i ever wanted
Even with the silent treatment, he was the best that i deserved
He said he was ugly, but he was the most handsome man I ever met
He said and said and said and said,
But I was too blind to hear any of that
Because love is crippled
But what is love
Tell me, what is love
If not the ghosting
Or lack of attention and affection
And the ugly compliments
Isn’t love the tears we bleed?
Isn’t it the smell of pain?
Love to me is crushing of the broken pieces of a heart
And throwing the powder in the ocean
Love is bitter if not sour
Love is ugly, if not dark like darkness
Love is painful, if not aching
Love is deaf, because the eyes are teary and can’t see past the eyelids
Love is blind, because the ears got too much wax
Love is the monsters that live inside us
Love is….. I don’t know
So tell me, WHAT IS LOVE?

“Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken”

What’s love got to do with it~Kygo, Tina Turner

To whom it may concern…

It’s just another night, and I’m staring at the moon
I’m jealous of the nights
That I don’t spend with you
I keep thinking about you baby
Cause I love you more than California sunset
I’ve been in love and lost my senses
And I’m not scared to say those words with you, I’m safe
I get more addicted, yeah I’m so obsessed

In this crazy world of choices I’ve only got a few
I won’t let these little things slip out of my mind
But if I do, it’s you
I wanna grow old with you
If this would be a perfect world
We’d be together then
No one but you boo I got you

I’ve been thinking for hours
If I had a type then baby it would be you
When I look into your eyes
I feel like I’m losing controlol
I feel my heart is dancing
I wish, I wish, I wish
That every night I’ll kiss you, you’ll say in my ear
Oh we’re in love aren’t we
Your lips taste like heaven
Just close your eyes
This is what it feels like

Before we say goodbye
Tell me who can love you, nobody
Nothing’s gonna change my love for you
Just say you won’t let go
Can you promise we won’t let go

P. S: We played with lyrics again 😁

Bleeding lyrics

The Old Guitarist painting by Pablo Picasso

I’ve been running from my demons, afraid to look behind
I’ve been running from myself, afraid of what I’d find
I was broken from a young age
And only scars remain
It is where my demons hide

Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels
More than a couple times
I don’t know why I should care
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
But with the beast inside
I’m faded
So lost

I’ve been thinking for hours
We live in an age where everything is staged
Where all we do is fake our feelings
And it’s making me go crazy
Made friends and lost them through years
We swear we’re alive, but we’re falling to pieces

I’ve been around the world and never in my wildest dreams
Checking into hotel loneliness
It’s not what I’ve been used to, I confess
Even when the night is over
Losing myself just to find me again
I’m broken and it’s beautiful

P. S. All these thoughts are from lines of various songs in my Playlist.

Crime of Passion. YOU.

Ready to kill for our love….

I wanted to call this story Once a Murderer forever a murderer, or is it Murder after murder? Like the Parte after parte song, I don’t know its lyrics because it’s not JP Cooper, Ed Sheeran, Avicii, Martin Garrix or my favorite band The Vamps who sang it. I wish Kygo or Alan Walker could do a remix of the song. You do something and you don’t wanna stop doing the same thing over and over. But for our boy Joe, it was a different story with a whole mood of love, desperate to be loved, and not to have his next victim die in his cage.

When season one starts you might think Beck Guinevere played by Elizabeth Lail is the first girl that ever caught his eyes. And as time goes by, you get convinced that this is the woman he will spent the rest of his life with. Even the afterlife, their love seems to go beyond this world. Joe will never take a bullet for her, instead he’s the kind that gonna give others bullet for her. Just to protect her, and make sure nothing comes between their love. Not even death.

You know that feeling in the supermarket when you see a cute girl or boy and without thinking, you picture the two of you playing with your cute babies? That must be what Joe Goldberg played by Penn Badgley felt when his eyes got stuck staring at this beautiful girl who had visited the bookstore he worked at. And his real name Badgley, Bad, lets find out more. Talk about perfect match! Joe loves books, I bet he’s read all the books that ever existed and he’s currently waiting for the authors with second doubts, or those who don’t feel like their books are good enough for the readers to publish their books. Beck isn’t in the bookstore in search of chocolate bars. Of course she is here for books and she is a writer. And who doesn’t like having a partner that they have common interests with. If I was Joe, I would picture ourselves reading Sidney Sheldon’s novels away from the normal life, I would choose Hawaii or Maldives. For this story, we would be reading The Tides of Memory, Billy Hamlin takes responsibility after a kid dies in the hands of Toni Gillette the goddess. He takes a bullet for her huh! Being behind bars because of a girl you love, and she doesn’t even love you only for her to ran away and change her name to Alexia De Vere. Little did she know that her husband Teddy De Vere knew her real identity, killed Billy after he tried to look for her and killed their daughter’s boyfriend who refused to let go of Roxie even after being paid by the parents to leave her. He killed to protect his family. And her best friend Lucy Meyer? She is Nicholas Handemeyer’s sister, the little boy who drowned at Kennebunkport camp while under her care, and knew who Alexis was all the time. Alexis had no idea and Lucy almost killed her to revenge for her brother’s death.
Just a single hello and the next thing Joe is stalking Beck. I used to think such people are the best lovers, but things changed. These kind of men are the reason some ladies are six feet underground. Because they were desperate to win the poor ladies, but the love was not reciprocated. I swear I would run, faster than a deer or cheetah, whichever is the fastest, when I catch my boyfriend spying on me. If we don’t trust each other, especially you, and if you are too jealous, of course I would love him to be a bit jealous but some jealousy is off limits, then consider it over.

But I’ve never heard of a stalker like Joe. It’s like he went to school to study stalkinology and ended up in the bookstore after tarmacking for years. Not because he wanted to be surrounded by four walls made of books but because he needed to take care of his bills. And how lucky he was to get the job of his dreams. He meets Beck and stalking becomes his full time job. He even knows where she lives and the next moment his eyes are on her sexy naked body. That moment when you are enjoying the freedom of living alone in your crib but your stalker outside enjoys the view every day. I mean, every second that passes. When you fart, he enjoys it and farts back. Should I have called my story Loved by a Stalker? Well let’s call it each name that suits it.

These stalking skills could have earned him a top position in the investigation industry. He knows what happened, when it happened and why it happened, even when it happened while he was still developing some balls in his mother’s womb. It’s astonishing how he ends up with Beck’s phone after saying her from being ran over by a train Guardian angel. Now he has 24/7 access to her information, whatever happens in her life he’s watching. Benji sends her a message, he knows. And now our guardian angel is determined to save Beck from her toxic boyfriend Benji. But in reality Joe is doing away with any obstacle that seems to come between their love, love that doesn’t exists. And Joe becomes his first victim. Not the first to die, as I thought, but the first to die in his cage before Delilah. I tell you this guy is creepy, creepier than any serial killer I ever read about. He keeps posting on social media using Benjis phone while he’s holding him hostage, and keeps doing this even after killing him. If I wanted to be a serial killer I would ask Joe for tips on how to get rid of the body cause damn, he never gets caught.
Now it’s him and Beck. He thinks all the stones that makes him trip on his way home are gone. But there is Peach Salinger, played by Shay Mitchell. She is poison I swear. I thought she was protecting her best friend from falling for this toxic man, but she was obsessed with her and wanted Beck for herself. Just like the liar and worst friend she is as Emily in Pretty Little Liars series. But Beck should have listened to her best friend. You know what they say, you can’t advice a woman in love, she rants about her worst boyfriend and you advise her to walk away, the next minute she calls you telling you how she’s having fun with him. Lol. Peach hates Joe. In my high school you could hear some girls saying I hate this thing with passion. I guess this is the kind of hatred Peach had towards Joe. And once Joe realizes there is an obstacle remaining he kills her. Protecting his girl from this snake. I loved how Peach was concerned with Beck but after I overheard her conversation telling Roger Stevens how terrible Beck is as a writer, and setting her up with him so he can prey on this vulnerable girl. Worst is when Beck goes to take care of her at their home after Joe attacked her at the park, I wish she died at that moment. Peach drugs Beck to get her sleep with her and Roger Stevens, with poor Joe under the bed. He’s omnipresent I tell you. I hate how some women can be snakes to their best friends, even when they call you babe love and all the pet names. But men too can be worse, you trust them as your friend, but all they care and think about is when they will get into your pants. And your friendship is killed by a single No from you. Peach is dead. Two men down.

At all costs, you will be mine. Love♥️

The world is expected to move swiftly with all the known obstacles gone, but Beck is mourning her best friend and this poisons their relationship. She seeks therapy with Dr. Nick and ends up having an affair with him. Did I tell you how one time Joe spied on Beck when she was talking to Captain who send her money to get a new dress? Well he came to realize Captain was her dad and not her sponsor. Joe suspects Beck of having an affair with her therapist and visits Dr. Nicky under the fake name Paul Brown. After a couple sessions she gets back with Beck, who ends up discovering his old secrets. Poor girl is caged as if she is hopeless bird that lost a mother. In the cage she gets to write her book that was published after she died. Killed by her lover Joe. Even after convincing him she will frame Dr. Nicky for all the murders he kills her.

Candace Stone comes hunting for him after the death of Beck. Candace is crazy, and people think she is crazy when she tries to save them from this monster, Joe. Joe killed Elijah after he knew of his affair with Candace. Elijah was his first victim. Wrong. He even buried Candace alive for not loving him back. Poor guy, nobody loves him. Season two. To avoid being killed by this crazy bitch he moves to LA and changes his name to Will Bettelheim. He puts Will in his cage just to steal his identity. Good bye New York. He meets Delilah, Ellie and Love. He really cares for smart Ellie and ends up killing the well-known comedian Henderson who tried to take advantage of her. Yes she stalks Ellie through the tracking app he installed in her new phone after he crushed her phone when she tried taking a video of him, but it was for her project.

LA must be the best thing to happen to him. He meets Love and they fall in love. Even after he swore never to love again after Beck, he can’t help it. And Forty, who clings to her sister Love as if he’s a puppy. I must say he was lucky to not end up like the other obstacles. But eventually he did. I must say this was the only love story with very few obstacles if not none.

Hell broke loose when Candace shows up as Amy and dates Forty Quin. She came to protect the Quins. But Love, Love is crazy and thinks this bitch is faking to love her brother just to get the family money. And she hires a private investigator, for Candace. The wrong person, she could have done it for Will. Joe or is it Will starts hunting Candace down and she hunts him back. He ends up landing in the hands of the house owner where Candace lives who ties him up thinking he’s a rapist. Bitch got five balls I guess. The same night Candace sneaks into his house only to Find Love waiting for her lover. And this day, Love knows that Will is not Will but Joe. But she won’t believe Amy, not after she faked her name too. To keep the love going she pays Amy, I mean Candace huge amount of money to leave and let their love be. Love is okay with all the lies. Poor her. But she is no Saint.

Delilah finds out that Will killed Henderson and after being found in the cage, she earns herself days in it. But Will doesn’t want to kill her. At least not for Ellie. She is the only family Ellie has, and Will cares for Ellie. He makes a deal with her to escape from LA for her release. Unlucky Joe gets kidnapped after Forty lures him to help him with his script. Thirty minutes can’t work for Forty and he plans for the Kidnapping. Joe only had sixteen hours to get out of LA before the timer on Delilahs handcuffs go off. Here he is, kidnapped and forced to stay until they have the best script. Ellie makes it worse when she says how horrible the Script is and suggest that it should be started all over again. Smart Ellie, she could have played Hermione Granger in Harry Potter movies. Sorry I didn’t tell you how Joe has been texting Ellie with her lost sister’s phone. She wants her to believe Delilah is just messing with her, and she will be back soon.

Forth drugs Joe with LSD acid. Shit got crazy hallucinations. He keeps seeing his hands full of blood, with his mother begging him not to kill Delilah. He ends up confessing of killing Beck to Forty, who also confesses of killing Sophia their house help. Delilah is dead. I love how Joe is convinced he did not kill her and goes looking for her killer. His first suspect is Forty, who can’t even hurt a dead fly. Candace finds him and locks him in the cage, with the rotting body of Delilah and calls Love to let her see for herself the demon she fell for. Yes, Love cries. I thought she couldn’t believe her lover did all that. What does she do, she gets rid of this long time obstacle of their love, Candace. She confesses of having killed Delilah for her to be with Joe. Forget about Beck, here comes the perfect match. When she broke up with Joe and hooked up with her dead husband James best friend Milo, she was afraid of losing Joe to Delilah. The reason she killed her. And she was the one who killed Sophia for trying to rape her brother. Ten balls for Love Quin.

Joe fears for his life in the cage. He thinks he will die too and begs to be let out. He attacks Love, who begs him not to kill her since she is carrying their baby. Joe will be a dad. How wonderful. He spares her, not because he loves her, but because she is pregnant. The baby saved Love. Nosy Forty visits Dr Nicky in prison to dig information about Joe. To protect her sister, he ends up being killed before he blows off Joe’s head. And the new life begins. Love and Joe. In their new home, he has eyes for their neighbor that he saw over the fence reading books. I think to tame Joe you must be a book lover. Let’s what kind of lover he will be and whether he will fall for the neighbor in season three.

You might be wondering why Joe kills. Is it fun? No. Is it a hobby? No. Does he love killing and hurting people? Never. Nobody is born a murderer, circumstances make them. Don’t believe it? Check the early childhood of the famous serial killers; Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer, Jack the Ripper, the Zodiac Killer, Ed Gein and you will find something they all have in common. Disturbed minds. It’s crazy how Ed Gein assembled body parts of his victims to recreate his dead mother, and ended up inspiring movies like Psycho, The silence of the lambs and the Texas chainsaw massacre. Just like most of these serial killers, Joe was raised in an abusive family.

He loved his mother and he couldn’t stand the pain she went through. Her dad was a real monster. I wouldn’t advise parents to pick fights in front of their children, it messes them and might turn them to be horrible people. Not because they want to, but because they find solace in hiring other people. Joe shot his father to spare his mother from domestic violence. This was the first time he committed murder. And the murders that followed, he did it for the people he loved. He was never loved since he was a kid, and he is desperate to find love, and have him get loved at all costs. In the beginning I judged him, but after imagining the kind of a dad he had, I fit in his shoes and saw the pain. The endless pain that turned him to be a monster, worse than his dad. Depressed Joe. Desperate Joe. To me he was depressed, messed and with a tortured mind. And not some guy who was desperate to win girls he felt that he deserved.

No matter what life offers you, never be a Joe. Be the reason people believe in existence of good people amidst billions of cruelty. And be careful never to fall in love with Joe.

My 2am thoughts as I wait for season three of YOU…

I love you enough

Hello stranger,

It’s been forever since I heard from you. I don’t want to act as if I care about how you are fairing, cause I really don’t care. I hope you are still the same. Wait, can I remember a single thing about you? Oh well. So you were this boy, mmmmh cute but not cute, handsome and not handsome. You were like a breeze of happiness, your eyes, an ocean of innocence. How about your voice? Sweeter than the sweetest thing that ever existed. I can barely remember.

I know you wanna know about how I feel about you. Well, I don’t care if you will listen. But I love you. I love you enough boy.

I love you enough to let go of you yet I couldn’t live without you. Oh, before you came to my life I still existed. I just leant the Art of letting go.

I love you enough not to cry myself to sleep in a room surrounded by ton of people. At least not anymore. No more waking up with those ugly eye bugs. I can save the tears, and they will come out as tears of joy.

I love you enough to glue the cracks in my heart, mask my true feelings and fake a smile on my beautiful face. You should see how happy I look huh. I love you enough to let you see the scars you left behind. I’m gonna hide them from you.

I love you enough to erase all the memories we had, both bad and good ones. I’m so very tired. I’m tired of thinking about us. I’m so very tired of thinking about the things, the all sweet nothings we ever said to each other. I’m letting go of everything.

I love you enough not to think about us as the power couple. Everyone’s couple goals you know? With our enticing romance on every social media platform. Where everyone wished us the very best in our forever. Lol! Forever was that short. Nitaambia nini watu?

In case you are wondering why I have not been desperate enough to contact you again, well, I lost your contact. Or rather I deleted it from my phone. I love you enough not to keep contact with you, cause I want you to save the seconds you would take to block me. I love you enough to let you have few seconds to spend with the person your heart beats for. And how do I erase the same from my mind? Ok. Time heals everything, and with time I won’t be able to remember if your number starts with a 07.

I love you enough to stay away from your social media accounts. I just don’t wanna stalk you, cause there’s nothing remaining in you. You will never be the same boy.

I love you enough to pretend I’m loving someone else. Because I want you to see I have moved on and erase me from your memory. You are doing better without me I bet.

I love you enough to act as if I’m okay. But deep inside everything is falling apart. Just because I don’t want you to feel guilty for what you did to me.

I love you enough to work hard enough to be the most successful lady. The dreamer. Goal digger. At least better than what you wanted me to be. That phenomenal woman.

I love you enough. And I will always love you. I promised you to love you forever, and my forever is not months or years. My forever is forever. I will always love you enough to stay away from your life. And you should not poke your nose into mine.

Time to say goodbye. Goodbyes hurt but this gonna be the most amazing goodbye. Letting go. I’m too good at saying goodbye…

World’s Best Granny award


‘Who’s your priority?’. His question got me thinking. Who could it be that I treasure that much? My bff( of course I do) my boyfriend, maybe if he exists. Never have I gotten an answer to his text till now. I hope you’re reading this. Yes. Its her. The one I love most. The one I can’t do without, she existed before I existed without her I couldn’t be here writing this.

Today myself and I will be crowning the best grandma ever in the universe. She deserves better than that best grandma trophy. In her I find solace. She’s has been my fountain of hope and will still be till infinity. Despite her age and capitulating energy, she has never given up on us even after the many headaches we give her😪.

Granny, you’ve been our mother, father, grandma and more so  that best friend we never had. Since death  stole our affectionate mother from us😪😪, you have given that shoulder to lean on. Life has never been the same without your first daughter whom you loved most. Oh yeah, I get why you keep calling me Muthio at times or Mama Cecy😊. Death is so cruel. Soon I say soon I’ll bring Muthio Jr. With my stay at University of Nairobi that’s my vision 2063😂😂. Maybe by doing so I’ll have healed your wounded heart. By calling your great grand daughter your late daughter’s name will bring back the happiness you had back then.

So, I lack words to describe how awesome you’ve been in my life. Which granny can wake up to cook chapatis for my breakfast. Working as a house help at those Indians who saw nothing in you but trash, just to give us all that we needed. And those walks from Westlands to Jogoo road pretending you’re keeping fit😂😂 but you just wanted to pay 10bob home and save the rest. The white cabbage that we took back then. Now you give it to chicks. The orange headscarf that everyone in Kangemi had marked you with, but now you are that fashionable grandma 👒👗👠👜. I could but I can’t put all that you go through to see me prosper, only God knows.

Thank you Mummy for everything. Your prayers keep me going. Your hugs and kisses not forgetting the 6am calls to tell me how much you’ve missed me mean a lot. All I pray for is that you live many years to see your great granddaughter Muthio😍 and see us make it in life.

I’m in tears for your kindness. Can’t write anymore. Just know that I love you and can trade anything for you❤❤❤. May God open the windows of heaven and shower blessings upon you.

To you my lifetime Sweetheart😘
From me loving granddaughter
With love♥
I vote for you……
World’s Best Grandma….



I want to love you


My sweet love
I have no idea if I already know you
All I know is that you’ve always been in my mind and my heart
Where are you now
I want to share my thoughts, my feelings and everything with you

I want to love you
I want to love you more than have ever loved before
The fear of rejection has been stopping me
But now I care less about it
I don’t have time to waste
All I want is to place my hands around your waist
I wanna lock my eyes with your beautiful ones and see your soul
Press my lips against yours and know your taste
Within your kiss lies my happiness
Your chest gonna be my pillow

When I think of you, I always wish to meet you soon
Today I thought of you, and promised to love you for who you are
I will love you despite your flaws and imperfections
I promise to be your best, though I can’t be perfect
Cause am sure you gonna make the best boyfriend

What about setting my everything aside
Just to hang out and talk to you
Doesn’t that sound sweet my honey
Cause you mean the whole world to me
You’re just amazing the way you are
No need to change a single thing

You might have everything, but I love you
You might have nothing, but I love you
You might not have the American height, but I truly love you
You might not notice that I love you and appreciate it, but my love for you is sincere
Don’t ever think its a charade

Let’s get crazy for once
Spend our nights taking dinner on the floor
Later to sleep on the table behind us
Lemme caress your packs and wide chest
Lemme say your name and whisper to your ear that I love you
Watching romantic movies all day long is all I wanna do with you

You are the one
Sweetheart you are the one
The only one who’s perfect for me
My Mr Perfect
You’re all I need regardless of what you’ve been
You’ll be my all, I don’t need a next one
After all don’t forget to love me back
And quench my thirst for your love
My pleasure
Let’s meet up and kindle the spark of our romance

I just want to tell you that you are worth the long wait
If I don’t get you I will be forever alone
All the best honey bunch till we meet and feel the magic of our TRUE LOVE

Yours sincerely
Future queen
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RIP-Return If Possible


I connect my phone to the charger and switch it on to reply yesterday’s WhatsApp messages from Timo and Arthur. A minute later there goes Drake’s favorite song, 7 years by Lukas Graham.(have never understood how it came to be my favorite song too,more so my ringtone) Yaaaaaaaaaay!!!!Its my classmate calling to remind me of our first class at 1.00pm- Computational methods and data analysis. I hesitate to answer his call  until I hear the first line of the song, Once I was seven years old.

Wait,my smile fades away.Am no longer the ever smiling Nzilani. Ever cheerful Nzilani. OMG!!! What gonna happen today. Damages already done. Somebody get me an antidepressant. My mind races back to thirteen years ago, when I was seven years old. My momma never told me to go and make some friends lest I’ll be lonely. Instead she left to her heavenly home forever and I became lonely. I devote a bit of my time to think about how cruel death is. 7th, April 2004 it took you away from us mum. The time I needed your affection the most since I spent little time with you before. You left without saying goodbye. Without your last words. I wasn’t with you when you took your last breathe. My heart felt tattered. You left a permanent wound that will never heal.

Mum, you were my faithful companion and confidant even in most difficult times. You love us unconditionally. With your gentle loving words of wisdom. You helped me understand that our time on earth is brief, with lots of lessons to be learned. You meant the whole world to me. (Unlike the daily phrase am used to being uttered to me by luring boyfriends). You owned my own tears. You owned everything deep in me. Mum, you were a priceless treasure. Rare to get. Got many chapters full of memories the good times we laughed together not forgetting the times we wiped each other’s tears.


Mum,whenever I look at the beautiful me, I see the incomplete me without you. No one will ever occupy your special space in my heart. How I wish I was with you today. How I wish you were here to see my triumphs and defeats. How I wish you knew how many times have fallen yet I have no one to raise me up. But the superwoman powers I inherited from you lift me higher than I was before. My friends talk about their best mothers in the world, their worst mothers in the world, how they argue with their strict mothers. I couldn’t mind your arguments and endless lectures. As long as I have you here with me.

As I celebrate your thirteenth anniversary today, as am thinking of you, I hear your sweet melodious voice whisper “I love you Nzilani and your little brother Evans“. My smile has been restored. I know this is your spirit trying to comfort me and lemme know you’re still with us. Nothing can break our bond. Mother-daughter bond. Your image is in me. No wonder my passion to serve the needy and vulnerable in the society. I know you’re somewhere in heaven singing with angels as you continue watching over us.

Your life was a blessing.Your memory a treasure. You are loved beyond words and missed beyond measure. If only tears would build a stairway and the etched memories in my life a lane, I’d walk right up to heaven and bring you back home.

Sleep now, my guardian angel, and rest your eyes on us
REST IN PEACE till we meet and reunite again
Your loving daughter
Nzilani Cecilia Muthio

Once I was seven years old

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